Cast of characters:
Lisa: Early 30's, female, African American, dressed in a pair of jeans, an Indian tunic top, sandals and big Bohemian earrings. Bright colors,artistic, expressive.
Rachel: Early 30's, female, Caucasian, dressed in skinny jeans, a t-shirt and high heeled boots. Small stud earrings. Very minimal in muted colors.
Waiter: Mid 20's, Asian, very handsome, dressed in black slacks, a white dress shirt, a half apron and black work shoes.
Present day, San Francisco, CA. Stage is set as a city street with a cafe, a sushi restaurant, a public trash can and a bus stop. Lisa and Rachel sit at one of the cafe's sidewalk tables, drinking from disposable cups of coffee.
Lisa:
You told him his dick is too small?
Rachel:
No. I said it could be bigger.
Lisa:
Basically the same thing.
Rachel:
Not really. Too small would imply there's very little to enjoy. Could bebigger means it's nice. It's okay, but..... it could be bigger.
Lisa:
Like a portion in a restaurant? The chocolate souffle was fine, even great, but it could have been double the size.
Rachel:
Exactly..... Well, not double the size. Maybe half of an extra serving.
Lisa:
And what did he say?
Rachel:
That if his dick could be bigger then I could try and control the disgusting gas I pass as I'm falling asleep.
Lisa:
Sounds like a reasonable trade off.
Rachel:
Not really. I can't control what happens when I'm sleeping.
Lisa:
Can he control his dick not being big enough?
Rachel:
Whose side are you on?
Lisa:
Yours! It's called devil's advocate.
Rachel:
Since when does the devil form an opinion on the size of an appendage?
Lisa:
How should I know? I'm his advocate. I'm not actually him. Like prayer warriors for Jesus.
Rachel:
Okay, okay. Don't shoot the messenger. Got it.
Lisa:
Hallelujah!
Rachel:
So what do I do? Is a penile pump an adequate peace offering?
(Lisa rolls her eyes.)
Lisa:
Only if you're gonna start popping Beanos like you do Valium on an airplane.
Rachel:
That's a very unfair comparison. Airplanes are death traps.
Lisa:
Apparently your boyfriend thinks your ass is too.
(Rachel's mouth drops open. She is left speechless.)
Lisa:
Do you even like this guy? This week you're telling him his penis is too small-
(Rachel interrupts, exasperated.)
Rachel:
Could be bigger!
Lisa:
Sorry. Right. Could be bigger and a few weeks ago you were debating breaking up with him because he cut his toe nails in front of you and didn't order what you wanted him to at the restaurant.
Rachel:
No, no no! That wasn't it at all. It's like you don't even listen when I talk. What I said is that he cut his toe nails on the couch as I was trying to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I have to pay attention to follow the story line.
Lisa:
(Sarcastically.) Riiight.....
Rachel:
I'll ignore that, and- the nails were going all over the place flying into the cracks of the couch cushions. That has to be unhygenic.
Lisa:
You could pass a law.
Rachel:
Maybe I will..... Anyways, I didn't care what he ordered at the restaurant; it was that he chews too loudly.
Lisa:
This is why you'll be single for the rest of your life, you know?
Rachel:
You're the one who's single. I have someone.
Lisa:
Someone who chews too loudly, has too small of a penis and doesn't follow your hygeine laws.
Rachel:
Okay. Enough about me. I feel your sympathies waning.
Lisa:
Don't do that.
Rachel:
Do what?
Lisa:
Use big stupid words when you don't know the meaning of them.
Rachel:
I used waning correctly.
Lisa:
What's the definition of waning?
Rachel:
You're not an advocate, you're just the devil.
Lisa:
Now YOU'RE sympathies are waning.
(Rachel laughs and raises her coffee cup in a salute.)
Rachel:
How's the new job?
(Lisa buries her head in her hands and groans.)
Rachel:
You're first week couldn't have been that bad!
Lisa:
I asked my boss if he would like to eat my cake? On the first day!
(Rachel chokes on her sip of coffee.)
Rachel:
What?! What the hell happened?!
Lisa:
They have cakes and muffins and stuff at the morning meetings. My boss wouldn't shut up about how great the cranberry, ginger, white chocolate, cinnamon dusted, maple glazed artisan bullshit was he was eating.
Rachel:
So that inspired you to offer him your hoo hoo?
Lisa:
No! That inspired me to attempt to offer him my PIECE of cake and somehow I got confused and it came out- Do you want to eat my cake?
Rachel:
Did anyone else hear it?
Lisa:
I'm not sure, but since the whole room got real quiet and my new name at the office is "cake"; I'm guessing they did.
(Rachel is laughing uncontrollably.)
Lisa:
It wasn't really that funny, Rachel.
Rachel:
Do you remember the time I saw my friend, Peter, limping towards us and asked, “What the fuck happened to you?”
(Lisa starts to laugh.)
Lisa:
And the guy, who wasn't your friend, Peter, answered, “Polio, when I was a child.” Yes, yes I do.
Rachel:
There's also the time I thought the guy in the grocery store was dancing towards me in the aisle, so I went up to him and started freaking him only to realize it was a disabled person who walked like that. No dancing whatsoever..... So you see. It isn't that bad.
Lisa:
Except I work with these people. I have to see them five days a week. You've never seen the polio guy again.
Rachel:
That's true. But I fear if I ever do I'll mistake him for Peter. Again.
Lisa:
Well that's more than likely with your track record.
(Rachel nods her head in agreement.)
Lisa:
I also sent out a mass email the next day, on behalf of my boss, without using spell check, regarding public policy and three hundred people learned all about PUBIC policy.
(Lisa buries her head in her hands again.)
Rachel:
At least you're consistent. The pubic policy certainly fits with offering your boss to eat your cake.
Lisa:
Don't you have a penile pump you should be shopping for?
Rachel:
I do, but I'm hungry. Let's go get lunch.
(Lisa and Rachel stand. Rachel takes their two coffee cups and throws them away in the public trash can. They walk to the sushi restaurant.)
Waiter:
(Looks and sounds bored.) Hello. Welcome to sushi world where everything is always fishy.
(Lisa and Rachel give each other a look.)
Rachel:
Does your boss know that's how you greet the customers?
Lisa:
Yeah. That doesn't sound good even for a sushi place.
Waiter:
My manager came up with it.
Rachel:
Sorry for you.
Waiter:
She's an artistic genius, can't you tell?
(Waiter seats Lisa and Rachel at a table and hands them menus, walks away.)
Rachel:
I think I'm gonna get vegetarian sushi.
Lisa:
What the hell is vegetarian sushi?
Lisa:
Sushi without any fish.
Lisa:
Sushi without fish isn't sushi.
Rachel:
Yes, it is.
Lisa:
No. It's not possible.
Rachel:
Then what's sushi?
Lisa:
Well, it has to have fish.
Rachel:
I don't know about that.
Lisa:
Ask the waiter!
(Lisa motions the Waiter over to take their order.)
Lisa:
Does sushi have to have fish to officially BE sushi?
Waiter:
I don't think I get paid enough for these conversations.
Lisa:
That means I'm right.
Rachel:
No, it doesn't. That means this guy has a shit job with a shit boss and isn't amused by either one of us.
(Waiter nods his head in agreement.)
Lisa:
I'll have the teriyaki chicken bento box.
Rachel:
I'll have two avocado rolls and a side of vegetable tempura.
Waiter:
Drinks?
Lisa:
Coke.
Rachel:
Sake.
(Lisa raises her eyebrows at Rachel.)
Rachel:
It's been a very long couple of days.
(Lisa turns towards Waiter.)
Lisa:
Her man's penis could be bigger.
Rachel:
(Sounding down.) It's true.
Waiter:
I'm so sorry, honey. I hate when that happens.
Rachel:
That's the kind of sympathy I ask for, Lisa. Nothing more, nothing less.
(Lisa rolls her eyes. Waiter exits the stage.)
Lisa:
So..... I've been thinking of following a guru.
Rachel:
A specific one or.......
Lisa:
No. I don't have one, yet. But I did watch a BBC documentary on Hare Krishna's last night and I really admire that kind of devotion and dedication.
Rachel:
Doesn't their day begin at four in the morning and no caffeine is allowed?
Lisa:
I said I admire them; I didn't say I was ready to commit. I did some research on gurus and there is some freaky shit out there.
Rachel:
Maybe you should become a guru? You're very comfortable telling people what to do.
Lisa:
I am, aren't I?
Rachel:
But you would have to be careful. Your guru-ism could quickly turn cult-like and I won't come to visit your compound if you don't have indoor plumbing.
Lisa:
I would want a catch phrase.
Rachel:
A catch phrase? Like what?
Lisa:
Did you ever see The Love Guru with Mike Myers?
Rachel:
I vaguely recall wasting part of my life watching that.
Lisa:
His catch phrase, spiritual greeting was- Mariskay Hargitay.
Rachel:
The actress from Law and Order?
Lisa:
Exactly! I need something like that.
Rachel:
Angie Harmon?
Lisa:
No, it doesn't have the right ring to it.
Rachel:
Oh, wait! I got it.
(Rachel puts her hands together and bows her head.)
Rachel:
Lenny Kravitz.
Lisa:
Lenny Kravitz? What? NO!
Rachel:
YES! He's hot and you could pipe his music into your ashram for everyone to listen to while they do their chores.
(Rachel puts her hands together and bows her head again.)
Rachel:
Lenny Kravitz.
Lisa:
I am not using Lenny Kravitz as my spiritual catch phrase.
Rachel:
Djimon Hounsou?
Lisa:
Who?
Rachel:
The Blood Diamond actor.
Lisa:
No! I need something original and thought provoking. Something that people can pronounce.
Rachel:
Well what's your philosophy as a guru? What will be your message? Love? Peace? Monogamy?
Lisa:
I don't want stupid or annoying people joining my ashram.
Rachel:
Elitist. I can respect that.
Lisa:
Something that let's people know right away we're hard to get into.
Rachel:
Sounds like you're running a country club rather than an ashram.
Lisa:
The people will forgive me seeing as I never had a guru myself and am completely self taught.
Rachel:
What's the name of the specially chosen Kung Fu guys in China?
Lisa:
The Shaolin Monks?
Rachel:
Right! That should be your catch phrase.
(Lisa puts her hands together, bows her head.)
Lisa:
Shaolin monk.
Rachel:
It has a good ring to it, doesn't it?
Lisa:
Maybe..... You think I could hire security for the ashram?
Rachel:
I don't know. If you do they should wear guard uniforms, but the uniform should be like a dashiki or a.....
Lisa:
No! The uniform will be a t-shirt with a Shaolin monk in mid-kick with his hands in prayer and his head bowed because.....
Rachel:
Shaolin monk!
(Waiter enters carrying a tray with food and drinks. He begins to set the plates and glasses on the table.)
Rachel:
Would you join my friends cult if you were invited?
Lisa:
Ashram! Not a cult.
(Waiter shrugs his shoulders.)
Waiter:
Maybe. Do I have to wear weird clothes or pray fifty times a day?
Lisa:
No. I was thinking of going in a more elitist superior direction where only intelligent good looking people are invited to join.
Waiter:
The country club of ashram cults?
Lisa:
It's not a cult!
Waiter:
They're all cults sweetheart.
Rachel:
Would you join? You're good looking.
Waiter:
Just about anything would beat this job, so yea. I'd come check it out....... Let me know if you need anything else.
Lisa:
I'm really considering putting this together.
Rachel:
You should.
Lisa:
But I'm not sure I'm sold on the Shaolin Monk catch phrase.......
Rachel:
You need to have a cool name.
Lisa:
Definitely! Mother Monk? Shaolin Sister?
Rachel:
Shaolin Sister? Really? Doesn't do enough for your status as the head of the cult.
Lisa:
Ashram!
Rachel:
You say potato, I say patato.
Lisa:
I want to be called Guru Das.
Rachel:
I'm not calling you Guru Das.
Lisa:
Not you! The followers!
Rachel:
I've got your catch phrase!
Lisa:
I'm listening.
Rachel:
Forget Angie Harmon, Lenny Kravitz and Djimon Hounsou!
Lisa:
Would you get on it with it, please?
Rachel:
Patience, Guru Das. I AM Jesus after all.
Lisa:
Don't start that again.
Rachel:
Well, I am...... Are you ready?
(Lisa makes hurry up motion with her hand.)
Rachel:
AISHWARYA RAI!
Lisa:
The Bollywood actress?
Rachel:
Yes!
Lisa:
I guess......
Rachel:
What other way is there than to start a fake Eastern religious ashram and collect followers, who happen to be extremely attractive, while monopolizing a South East Asian starlet's name?
Lisa:
I guess I could assign different people their new names from characters in her movies?
Rachel:
Right! And you could make the disciples learn the songs and dance routines to entertain you on down time. Plus it could be like a Kumari cult. You could be the living goddess that they all worship.
Lisa:
That's right! Bow down and kiss my foot mother fucker!
Rachel:
And I can come in as your replacement. I am Jesus.
Lisa:
You're not Jesus!
Rachel:
If you're a living goddess with a cult, then I can be Jesus.
Lisa:
Like the crazy Australian guy who convinced his eighteen year old girlfriend she was Mary Magdalene to bone her?
Rachel:
Do you think he has a big dick?
Lisa:
Well, if he doesn't he could grow it with his super Jesus powers.
Rachel:
And if Mary has bad gas, he could cure it with the slightest touch of lubed up anal late night.
Lisa:
Ah, yes! The golden healing power of Jesus's anal......
Rachel:
Speaking of healing anal- check out the text message my brother sent me.
(Rachel hands Lisa her phone. Lisa reads text out loud.)
Lisa:
Hey Sis, I've had the worst day. I'm super sick and have been blowing minors all day..... What the hell?
Rachel:
Keep going. It gets better. Lisa: I'm super sick and hungry. Wanna come over and have dinner? I've got some really tasty stuff in my panties. Maybe some dicks would clear up the congestion? Oh, and did I mention I have a surprise waiting for mom next time we see her. I'm gonna shave her pussy!
Rachel:
Yes! Apparently my brother doesn't look at what his autocorrect is texting me!
Lisa:
You should print that message onto your family's next Christmas greeting card..... Any idea what it was supposed to say?
Rachel:
Does it matter? Whatever he wanted to say wouldn't have been half as interesting as that. (Waiter enters and approaches table.)
Waiter:
Was everything okay?
(Lisa and Rachel nod their heads in agreement.)
Waiter:
Can I get you any dessert?
Lisa:
No, thank you. I think the bill will be fine.
(Waiter pulls bill from his apron pocket and sets it on the table.)
Waiter:
So, did you decide on your cult ashram guru country club aspirations?
Lisa:
I, well, we, decided that our catch phrase will be Aishwarya Rai.
Waiter:
Ooh. I love her! She's got great eyes!
Rachel:
We also decided that I will guest guru spotlight as Jesus, when Kumari here, needs a break or the devotees need some notes on their Bollywood dance routines.
Waiter:
Sounds like a hot mess.
Rachel:
That's what we're going for.
Lisa:
A hot mess with people who want to donate to the cause.
Rachel:
What do we owe, here? (Rachel picks up the bill to look at it.)
Waiter: $28.54
Rachel:
How much?
Waiter:
$28.54
(Lisa looks at Rachel strangely.)
Rachel:
I'm sorry, I'm not getting that. How much do we owe you for lunch?
(Waiter speaks slowly, enunciating the price.)
Waiter:
28 dollars and 54 cents.
(Rachel looks at Lisa and mouths “what?”. Rachel looks at Waiter and smiles deprecatingly.)
Rachel:
I'm sorry. I only speak English. I don't know what you're saying.
Waiter:
I also only speak English and the bill is $28.54!
(Waiter turns and walks off. Rachel leans across the table and lowers her voice.)
Rachel:
Did you understand what he was saying?
Lisa:
Uh, yeah, Jesus. Your super powers are waning.
(Lisa and Rachel leave money on the table and exit restaurant onto sidewalk.)
Rachel:
Sorry. I probably just cost you your first devotee.
Lisa:
That's okay. He didn't seem invested enough in the cause.
Rachel:
Yeah. He would never be willing to eat your cake.
Lisa:
Probably not......
Rachel:
Hey! Isn't that my friend, Peter? Oh my god! What the hell happened to him?
Lisa:
Here we go again.
BLACKOUT
Eva El Beze grew up in San Francisco, CA in an anarchist theatre collective. Her work has been published in magazines, journals and books including poetry, personal essays and creative nonfiction as well as won awards for stage and film scripts. She divides her time between India, Europe, Africa and California.